I was really sick last semester, you see. I had an emergency appendectomy with ensuing complications, my room got bed bugs, I lost all my college friends. I needed a break.
When I decided to take a semester off, I wrote a long piece about how our society doesn’t know how to slow down, that to do so is akin to admitting failure, that, even for me, taking time off from school felt like giving up. I wrote that because I wanted to convince myself that I was doing the opposite of giving up, that I was doing what was best for my health -- both mentally and physically. My whole life, it seems, has been a race: I am running and running and running to try and keep up with who my culture wants me to be.
And I don’t even know who that is.
I pretended that if I took a semester off I would stop running and take a moment to really get a handle on my life, and more specifically what I wanted from it.
But that was all pretend; what I really did was get two jobs and keep myself busy from 9 in the morning until 10 at night. However, I also started going to the gym, so I convinced myself that I was at least promoting my physical fitness and wellbeing.
My mom started telling me I needed to quit one of my jobs, and the truth is I want to. But I don’t know how. Despite everything I have said about needing a break, and perhaps more importantly, needing to be able to admit that I need a break..... I am exactly where I always have been: afraid that if I pause for even one second, I will never be able to get going again.
What if I do quit this job? What if I can never get another because I quit? What if quitting means that I am not cut out for the working world because I can’t handle.... anything? What if I just suck?
Who am I supposed to be? And does quitting this job determine who I will become?
I am terrified.
It’s an internal battle I have been fighting for the last week. The part of me that has never been able to give up is wrestling with the part of me that is trying to teach myself to slow down. I want to learn that it is ok to take a deep breath every once in a while, but that’s not what I’ve taught myself at all.
It’s not that I am an overachiever, not by a long shot. But I am internally motivated with an undying need to prove myself... to myself.
And I have this feeling, all the time, that every step I take is crucial in determining my future. I’m 21, standing at the foot of my career, and I have no idea what path I want to be on.
** Oh and my grandmother is still in the hospital. With a chest infection. And a consistently erratic heartbeat. Le sigh.
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